...and I feel like shit. I'm tired of myself. Of my lack of drive and determination. Of not knowing why I am here, what I am supposed to achieve. It's been about four years since I've been truly inspired to do something and had any motivation to pursue it.
Also, I've been feeling pointless since many years now. I could be dead any moment and nothing would change. My mom would probably lose all urge to live, but that's just because she is my mom. Dad would be shocked but he would move on, just like my husband would. Everything else would pretty much be the same. I think at some level I like it that way. To just pass on quietly, without causing anyone any hindrance. It's so frustrating to go on living not knowing what you want. How do people do that year after year?
I've been wallowing in the cesspool of such thoughts for so long now. I'm gonna die in it. Maybe I want to. Move on to a better place. But I know that there isn't any. I'm here this moment for a reason and it's right in front of me, but I am unable to see it. Or maybe I'm running away from it. I'm surprised at how weak I turned out to be. How lazy and how inept at doing what I should be doing.
I like to be left alone on my birthday. To introspect, to relax and just be myself (which, nowadays, is having my huge ass stuck to the couch and flipping through TV channels), and to sleep like there's nothing else to be done (which mostly only translates to a siesta). I hate to go visit people or have a party. Except for the couple of gatherings with friends back in college. Or a small treat at the wada-pav outlet. I'd rather sit at home all day, eat Maggi and read a book, and then indulge in some nice coffee before going off to sleep. Or maybe spend a whole day driving around in a car all by myself (which wasn't an option until recently).
One time an aunt threw me a surprise party and invited all my college friends over. It was nice, but we were all a bit awkward with the dancing. I, however, felt a bit betrayed that my friends would keep a secret from me. Especially 'cause the aunt was sort of fun to be around but not really close.
It seems like fun today, because I came to the office and forgot my phone at home. The coming to office part is not fun, though. I usually don't mind working on my birthday, but today I really wanted to stay at home. Which is why I was pissed off in the morning. When I slept last night, all was well. But I kept being woken up by my dogs in between (they kept trying to climb into our bed; it must've been cold) and then everything went downhill in my mind. I woke up with a really heartfelt frown and kept sulking. Every little annoying thing snowballs into a nasty mood if it's your birthday (well, that's true for me on any other day as well).