Saturday, April 18, 2020

2019.04.18

This has been an unexpectedly calm day. I wasn't productive or efficient or any such thing, but I don't feel any throbbing guilt about it, nor am I disappointed in myself. In fact, looking in the mirror, I caught myself thinking about how each one of us is free to find ways to make peace with the world and the reality of everything, as opposed to some utopian dream, and therefore to make peace with ourselves. Yes, we're all eventually going to evolve into something else, maybe better, but that might happen over a dozen or more lifespans. No point rushing to attain nirvana during this one. Learning happens at its own pace, depending on how hungry or how desperate you are to learn (or maybe something else that I haven't perceived yet). As of now, all I am looking forward to is my Phoebe tattoo on Saturday night. I'm looking forward to that pain, and I want to spend those hours thinking about her and the love and lessons she brought for me while being the one true manifestation of unconditional love in my life.

Monday, April 13, 2020

2019.04.13

'All over the place' is how my life is right now. And so are my thoughts. In fact, the latter influence the former.

The very next second, a totally contradictory thought appeared--my life is on the verge of a big change; all the things I've done so far have lined up to form this event that is on the cusp of happening.

It goes to show that it's all about perspective. I can call it a mess or I can see a pattern that is leading to a certain kind of outcome. The patterns are all present, but we have to look at them from various angles to notice them.

It's also about how we choose to feel about the patterns and/or their outcomes. For example, "I'm about to be abc, xyz, and in search of a new life," versus, "I'm about to be pqr and free to make a life that I really want." Or, for example, "I've been lost and unfocused and have stumbled my way through life to get to this point," versus, "Every time I had a choice, I went with whatever was doable at the moment. At times I took the easy route, at times I used a little foresight and swam against the current, and I found that the latter took me to places that were more interesting and rewarding."

When I awakened today, the first thought I had was to write down my patterns--healthy versus unhealthy, productive versus counterproductive, useful/helpful versus useless/unhelpful. I guess each of my habits can be put into these categories (given a context) and then I can choose to replace the unhealthy/counterproductive/unhelpful ones with the healthy/productive/helpful ones over time. However, as I think about or enlist the former, the statements feel like self-beliefs and that scares me into inaction. I need to remind myself that the whole point of the exercise is to change those very self-beliefs by a constant, intentional chipping-away, until those thoughts or statements begin to resemble the latter.

So, when I think of an unhelpful habit or pattern, it is only an initial state, not a permanent truth about myself. Similarly, when I think of a helpful habit or pattern as a desirable outcome, it is an achievable state that I maintain over time with less and less effort; that too is not a permanent truth, because we fall back into our old patterns from time to time, when efforts need to be temporarily increased in some other area of life. If this is done with awareness, it is easier to feel self-appreciation and to reiterate efforts in the desired area of life.

There are certain habits, which if you focus on cultivating on a daily basis, can help almost every other aspect of life run smoothly. Health, for example, both mental and physical. If I do something to maintain my health on a daily basis, however small, it lays the foundation for me to pick up more and more tasks with greater ease. I can also better distinguish between the important versus the urgent ones and the ones that can be set aside or delegated; what we call prioritization.

Basically, making better choices lets you make better choices. (I'll be happy to be quoted on this one some day. (giggle))

And, being alone is better than being in unhealthy company. (This seemingly unrelated thought came to me in a flash as I wrote this, and it crystallized the reasoning for a very important life decision.)

(And then, I actually said this: "Thank you for the insights, self!" Super corny, I know, but hey, I did get to this point with a lot of help from myself after being inspired by other people and their stories. So there. :))

Friday, April 10, 2020

2019.04.10

Grateful for how things turned around over the past couple of days. Better each day. Received good advice at counseling, which I now consciously implement--decoupling the exhaustion of carrying the XYZ burden for ## years from the tasks that need to be done on the journey to independence. Also, the journey is the destination--I am living the life I want, a little each day, not waiting for a specific task to be completed to start a new life. Change happens gently, slowly, organically. Enlist all the tasks that you can think of and expect that they'll be orchestrated intermittently, parallely. There's no assembly-line approach here, and inclines and plateaus are all part of the natural landscape. Plateaus are breathing spaces, rest-and-recovery phases, not time wasted or whiled away. Do a little each day. The changes and growth and patterns will become apparent in retrospect. Have a wonderful day, love!