Like a pencil

Presenting a short story from the book Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho.
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The Story of the Pencil
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A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point, he asked:
'Are you writing a story about what we've done? Is it a story about me?'
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
'I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I'm using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.'
Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn't seem very special.
'But it's just like any other pencil I've ever seen!'
'That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on to them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.
'First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.
'Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he's much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.
'Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.
'Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.
'Finally, the pencil's fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. In just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action.'
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So, what 'mark' am I leaving?
I could find a thousand reasons not to judge myself based on the aforementioned qualities of a pencil, now. But, the moment I read the passage, all I could think of was this question. And I didn't think long enough to find an answer. I still ain't thinking. Just noting this down, so that, some day, when I find the patience to do it, I might do a little self-analysis for fun. But, off the top of my mind, I can't think of any worthwhile 'marks' that I have left anywhere. Most of the 'marks' I remember are best forgotten. Okay, maybe one, but that was more for myself than for anyone else.

Shit! I wanted this post to be inspiring, thought-provoking. This turned out to be drab. That's because I am drab. At the moment. I think I need to sleep. Let me see if I can leave a mark that really matters, in my dreams. :)

Oh, by the way, check this out. It isn't philosophical. It's entertaining. And very beautiful.

Giving myself another...

I've got to write. What, I do not know. But, there's something waiting to burst out of me since some months now. I've shoved a lot of stuff under the carpet. And it's showing now. Smelling too. The past six months seem like a blur. Six years, actually. All through the day, there are zillions of thoughts zooming in and out of my mind, taking me through highs and lows. There are moments when all I want in the world is to talk about them, or pen them down. And all I will be doing is staring at my computer screen. Working, chatting, playing games, trying to convince myself that I will find time to be all by myself, conjure up an idea, toy with it, see if I can stretch it, manipulate it, develop a generalized principle from it. Everything but doing it. I push back so many thoughts, ideas, emotions into dark corners of my mind, imagining that I will find time to draw them out again and do what I was supposed to do with them; but that never happens. What happens is that I lie wide awake at night, and none of those dark corners are accessible any more. I lie lost. I lie helpless. I lie depressed. I lie frustrated. Because I didn't act when I had the opportunity. It's not as if I have great ideas that could change the world. But some of them could, at least, change my world. And as I have said to myself countless times, I think too much and act too little--in fact, I don't act at all. All I do is think, then I think about something else, lose track of what I should be thinking, I talk, and in the process, lose track of what I should be doing. Exactly in that order. I'm good at making plans. And that's all I'm good at. There's probably only one thing I planned out well, and acted accordingly. That got me where I am today, professionally. But the rest is just a blur. A blur of events. A blur of people. A blur of thoughts. A blur of inertial moments. Till, one day, I get shaken by an event, or a person. Something happens that makes me sit down and write some crap, like this one, about how hopeless I am, inspite of all the intellect I have, the abilities I acquire, and the opportunities that come my way. And that's about it. This must be the third or fourth time in the past two years that I have chided myself. But, I never seem to go beyond this chiding and actually do something, with determination, regularly. I lack consistency. I lack perseverance. And, I hate to say this, but I lack passion. I wasn't like this. I get tears in my eyes every time I think of this, but it's true. I was a very passionate person. Over the last two or three years, however, that emotion has been smothered inside my mind. I don't know how I did it, or why I did it. Now, all I do is sit and cry (or worse, feel nothing) when I remember who I am, what I am capable of, and what I am (not) doing.

In the midst of all external changes and enhancements in my life, my spirit lies neglected. The flame is slowly dying away. I may not be of any use to anyone, or the universe in general, but I would not like it if I'm a hindrance. I do not like the feeling of being just another rock on the face of this earth. I am a human being and have been given this gift of life for a reason. It may not be contributing to anything, but there's a reason I live. I've tried to find the reason, at times, by following the path others have trodden, at times, by developing my own theories. But, what went wrong, I know for sure, is that I have given up before I reached the destination. Like I said before, I lack perseverance.

I don't know what more to write. I'm gonna leave this half-way too. But, for a change, am not just giving up. I'm turning to something that will give me inspiration. A book. What book? Doesn't matter. I know I'll find inspiration there. There's plenty of it anywhere I want to find it. What I am actually giving myself is another opportunity. To start reviving myself. It's like CPR.

Pray that I never give up this time.

Spouses working in the same organization...

have advantages like:

1. being with each other 24x7


2. knowing all of each others' colleagues


3. commuting to work together


4. having lunch together, every single day


5. sticking together at all official parties

and disadvantages like:

1. being with each other 24x7


2. knowing all of each others' colleagues


3. commuting to work together


4. having lunch together, every single day


5. sticking together at all official parties

especially, like in my case, when you work with the same team, in the same premises!
:-)
You get my drift?

Sleepless-in-sanity

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep. Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy. Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

Do You Get Enough Sleep?

Wait a minute. For those who know me, this has got nothing to do with the fact that I recently got married. No kidding! This problem has been around since quite a few years now. As a result of this, I am
(a) in quite a bad mood when I wake up, not because I don't feel rested, but because I remember that I've always been an early riser and I don't remember when I lost that habit (!) and
(b) wide awake when it's time to doze off, because that's when my brain starts listing the tasks that need to be done the next day, the next week, and at worst times, the next year!!
Now-a-days I just can't drag myself out of the bed in the mornings. My husband thinks I have acquired the habit from him, but that can't be. He is a sleeping disease (like this friend of mine who was called the laughing disease instead of the smiling face for obvious reasons). He can sleep for 30 hours at a stretch. According to him, you just need sleep in order to sleep. According to him, I let almost everything under the sun to come in the way of my sleep. According to him I need to concentrate on sleep.
My problem is not about not sleeping long enough. It's getting there that's the problem. There have been times when I yawn throughout the day. If I'm watching a late night movie I yawn in front of the TV till I get tears in my eyes, but the moment I hit the bed, I lay wide awake. I have tried to concentrate, to meditate, to get myself exhausted, everything, just to fall asleep at the right time. On most of the few lucky days when I get there, I will have dreams--dreams which have no relevance whatsoever to either my past, present, or future lives, my work, my family, or anything that matters to me. Well, sometimes the dreams are a direct reflection of my current feelings / thoughts / problems, etc. In any case, what I do not get is sound sleep! I must have had a total of 171.35 nights of dreamless, peaceful sleep in the past 5 years (the method I applied to calculate this is strictly confidential). That includes the half hour I fell unconscious after an accident and the three hours during which I underwent a surgery (note that these two events were totally unrelated).
Oh, according to my husband, I switch on when I wake up... I go straight to the kitchen, switch on the water heater, attend a conference call, or basically do anything that is required. According to him, he isn't a switch that can be flicked on; he needs at least an hour to actually wake up (cold booting, anyone?) after he has woken up. According to him, if I switch on so easily, why can't I switch off just as easily? According to me, it's time hit the "shrink" button. And I'm talking about the noun, not the verb.

After Iqbal comes Dor

Some movies just make you cry for joy. Dor, by Nagesh Kukkunoor, is one such. Simplicity is its USP. It totally lives up to Iqbal in that context. Although the themes of both the movies are miles apart, most of the casting is shared. The actors blend so well with their characters, you'll hardly feel the déjà vu of Iqbal. Gul Panag and Ayesha Takia have gone beyond my expectations. Shreyas Talpade is endearing as always. The movie had a predictable ending, but what I liked most was the beautiful friendship that blossoms between the two girls. The things they learn from each other: Zeenat (Gul) to be a bit less harsh about the world around her, and Meera (Ayesha) to be a bit more assertive when making and executing her choices. It puts all the sex-and-violence-sells kind of movies to shame, just as Iqbal did. These two movies are a proof that there still are good stories to tell and good ways to tell them. Nagesh himself is not very convincing in the tiny part he played. He either doesn't look the part or is a pathetic actor (like Mahesh Manjrekar who directs well but sucks when it comes to acting). In any case, hats off to Nagesh for this awesome movie.
Oh, did I forget to mention the beautiful landscapes and costumes in addition to Ayesha and Gul looking great without much makeup? Oops, I totally forgot about the great music score! Go check out for yourselves.

This came as a suprise

No, no! It's not me. It's my sweet little boyfriend. I'd expected him to be anything other than Harry Potter. Maybe Ron Weasely or Cedric Diggory. In another test he took, he turned out to be Bill Weasley, which is more likely, I believe. In any case, he should heed the advice in the last sentence... not for others, but occassionally for me... poor chap--I bully him like crazy!

Hell, I'm glad!!

My "inner eye" could see it ever since I came to know this character ;-) A book-worm, bossy, and above all a witch: what more similarities could I ask for? She isn't great looking, but confident, gutsy, and protective.

And I confess I've become a Harry Potter freak. But, as the first few lines in this entry indicate, it's more because of the presence of other strong characters, than because of Harry Potter himself.

I revere Dumbledore. I would normally not idolize anyone, but this person seems like what I would want myself to be. He's wisdom personified! Though he is a storehouse of knowledge, he does not glorify rules. As he confesses in one of the motion-picture versions of the book, he burned down the curtains of his four-poster bed when he was a student. But I'm sure he damn well learnt something from the experience and put it to good use. He lets kids be kids, at the same time imparting knowledge and values to those who seek them. Why can't we have more mentors like him?