I'm constantly humming some tune or the other, though it may inaudible to my nearest neighbor. I can think of a song for almost every situation. Yet, inspite of wanting to do it for so many years, I could not take up singing classes, nor could I make myself learn to play a musical instrument. I so lacked in confidence. I so bolstered my cowardice that I could never attempt anything more than to be a part of a friendly orchestra, or shout my voice out singing in a bus during a picnic. And, of course, there's the bathroom. I never graduated beyond that. I so, so want to take up singing as a hobby and pursue it till the end of my life. I may not be knowledgeable about music in general, but I believe that there's a rhytm in every moment, every movement, every sight, every touch, every word. I cannot explain what makes me feel that way, but, at times, when I'm elated, whethere for any or no reason, I can feel the music around me, in every shred of my being. And at most such moments you'll find me humming a tune, or singing away to glory.
I remember my mom saying once that whenever she heard the strings of a taanpura, she'd get so shaken up that she'd cry. I laughed at her. But, I noticed that the same happens to me! It's like someone stroking the string of your very heart! It's heart-breaking and, at the same time, exhiliarating to hear a strong, clear voice singing an alaap or a cheez, as they are called in Hindustaani classical music.
When, oh, when am I going to drag my sorry ass to a singing class, and get a life? There have always been silly reasons--no money, lack of time, other priorities, it-would-do-no-good-to-my-already-sedentary-lifestyle, and innumerable such excuses behind which I hid myself. And I suffered. Every moment. Becasue I didn't have the guts to sign myself up.
In many such things that I have failed to do in my life (and I remember this very often now-a-days) I have been the only one that holds myself back. If only I could know why I made myself suffer like this. Everything happens for a reason... Really?! Bullshit! What good did I do by locking myself behind the bars of my own cowardice?