This has been an unexpectedly calm day. I wasn't productive or efficient or any such thing, but I don't feel any throbbing guilt about it, nor am I disappointed in myself. In fact, looking in the mirror, I caught myself thinking about how each one of us is free to find ways to make peace with the world and the reality of everything, as opposed to some utopian dream, and therefore to make peace with ourselves. Yes, we're all eventually going to evolve into something else, maybe better, but that might happen over a dozen or more lifespans. No point rushing to attain nirvana during this one. Learning happens at its own pace, depending on how hungry or how desperate you are to learn (or maybe something else that I haven't perceived yet). As of now, all I am looking forward to is my Phoebe tattoo on Saturday night. I'm looking forward to that pain, and I want to spend those hours thinking about her and the love and lessons she brought for me while being the one true manifestation of unconditional love in my life.
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Monday, April 13, 2020
2019.04.13
'All over the place' is how my life is right now. And so are my thoughts. In fact, the latter influence the former.
The very next second, a totally contradictory thought appeared--my life is on the verge of a big change; all the things I've done so far have lined up to form this event that is on the cusp of happening.
It goes to show that it's all about perspective. I can call it a mess or I can see a pattern that is leading to a certain kind of outcome. The patterns are all present, but we have to look at them from various angles to notice them.
It's also about how we choose to feel about the patterns and/or their outcomes. For example, "I'm about to be abc, xyz, and in search of a new life," versus, "I'm about to be pqr and free to make a life that I really want." Or, for example, "I've been lost and unfocused and have stumbled my way through life to get to this point," versus, "Every time I had a choice, I went with whatever was doable at the moment. At times I took the easy route, at times I used a little foresight and swam against the current, and I found that the latter took me to places that were more interesting and rewarding."
When I awakened today, the first thought I had was to write down my patterns--healthy versus unhealthy, productive versus counterproductive, useful/helpful versus useless/unhelpful. I guess each of my habits can be put into these categories (given a context) and then I can choose to replace the unhealthy/counterproductive/unhelpful ones with the healthy/productive/helpful ones over time. However, as I think about or enlist the former, the statements feel like self-beliefs and that scares me into inaction. I need to remind myself that the whole point of the exercise is to change those very self-beliefs by a constant, intentional chipping-away, until those thoughts or statements begin to resemble the latter.
So, when I think of an unhelpful habit or pattern, it is only an initial state, not a permanent truth about myself. Similarly, when I think of a helpful habit or pattern as a desirable outcome, it is an achievable state that I maintain over time with less and less effort; that too is not a permanent truth, because we fall back into our old patterns from time to time, when efforts need to be temporarily increased in some other area of life. If this is done with awareness, it is easier to feel self-appreciation and to reiterate efforts in the desired area of life.
There are certain habits, which if you focus on cultivating on a daily basis, can help almost every other aspect of life run smoothly. Health, for example, both mental and physical. If I do something to maintain my health on a daily basis, however small, it lays the foundation for me to pick up more and more tasks with greater ease. I can also better distinguish between the important versus the urgent ones and the ones that can be set aside or delegated; what we call prioritization.
Basically, making better choices lets you make better choices. (I'll be happy to be quoted on this one some day. (giggle))
And, being alone is better than being in unhealthy company. (This seemingly unrelated thought came to me in a flash as I wrote this, and it crystallized the reasoning for a very important life decision.)
(And then, I actually said this: "Thank you for the insights, self!" Super corny, I know, but hey, I did get to this point with a lot of help from myself after being inspired by other people and their stories. So there. :))
The very next second, a totally contradictory thought appeared--my life is on the verge of a big change; all the things I've done so far have lined up to form this event that is on the cusp of happening.
It goes to show that it's all about perspective. I can call it a mess or I can see a pattern that is leading to a certain kind of outcome. The patterns are all present, but we have to look at them from various angles to notice them.
It's also about how we choose to feel about the patterns and/or their outcomes. For example, "I'm about to be abc, xyz, and in search of a new life," versus, "I'm about to be pqr and free to make a life that I really want." Or, for example, "I've been lost and unfocused and have stumbled my way through life to get to this point," versus, "Every time I had a choice, I went with whatever was doable at the moment. At times I took the easy route, at times I used a little foresight and swam against the current, and I found that the latter took me to places that were more interesting and rewarding."
When I awakened today, the first thought I had was to write down my patterns--healthy versus unhealthy, productive versus counterproductive, useful/helpful versus useless/unhelpful. I guess each of my habits can be put into these categories (given a context) and then I can choose to replace the unhealthy/counterproductive/unhelpful ones with the healthy/productive/helpful ones over time. However, as I think about or enlist the former, the statements feel like self-beliefs and that scares me into inaction. I need to remind myself that the whole point of the exercise is to change those very self-beliefs by a constant, intentional chipping-away, until those thoughts or statements begin to resemble the latter.
So, when I think of an unhelpful habit or pattern, it is only an initial state, not a permanent truth about myself. Similarly, when I think of a helpful habit or pattern as a desirable outcome, it is an achievable state that I maintain over time with less and less effort; that too is not a permanent truth, because we fall back into our old patterns from time to time, when efforts need to be temporarily increased in some other area of life. If this is done with awareness, it is easier to feel self-appreciation and to reiterate efforts in the desired area of life.
There are certain habits, which if you focus on cultivating on a daily basis, can help almost every other aspect of life run smoothly. Health, for example, both mental and physical. If I do something to maintain my health on a daily basis, however small, it lays the foundation for me to pick up more and more tasks with greater ease. I can also better distinguish between the important versus the urgent ones and the ones that can be set aside or delegated; what we call prioritization.
Basically, making better choices lets you make better choices. (I'll be happy to be quoted on this one some day. (giggle))
And, being alone is better than being in unhealthy company. (This seemingly unrelated thought came to me in a flash as I wrote this, and it crystallized the reasoning for a very important life decision.)
(And then, I actually said this: "Thank you for the insights, self!" Super corny, I know, but hey, I did get to this point with a lot of help from myself after being inspired by other people and their stories. So there. :))
Friday, April 10, 2020
2019.04.10
Grateful for how things turned around over the past couple of days. Better each day. Received good advice at counseling, which I now consciously implement--decoupling the exhaustion of carrying the XYZ burden for ## years from the tasks that need to be done on the journey to independence. Also, the journey is the destination--I am living the life I want, a little each day, not waiting for a specific task to be completed to start a new life. Change happens gently, slowly, organically. Enlist all the tasks that you can think of and expect that they'll be orchestrated intermittently, parallely. There's no assembly-line approach here, and inclines and plateaus are all part of the natural landscape. Plateaus are breathing spaces, rest-and-recovery phases, not time wasted or whiled away. Do a little each day. The changes and growth and patterns will become apparent in retrospect. Have a wonderful day, love!
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
I feel a familiar ache
A very tangible one, in my heart. The one one feels when they miss someone. I miss my dogs right now. Often, these days, it feels unreal that I was a mother to four-legged creatures just a few months ago. I thought I'd feel a void when they're gone. But when Phoebe passed away, the time was taken up by providing extra care for Mojo. And when Mojo left, I took on several projects, determined not to dwell on the feeling of loss.
I happened to look at a picture of Mojo propped up against one wall of the balcony. Propped up because he didn't have the physical strength or the neurological ability to stand by himself. I was preparing to help him pee. Something we did about 5-6 times a day. The picture reminded me of the physical feeling of touching a dog. Then, specifically, his bony butt. And I miss it all.
I looked at more pictures. Some of them from the clinic where we used to take him for his weekly treatments. He used to whine loudly all the way there and during the 2-3 hours we spent there each time. I even miss those annoying sounds. No, he didn't hate the clinic or the caregivers. It was pretty much his only outing and he did enjoy getting fussed over and pampered there. It was just him vocalizing his excitement at being out and his annoyance at having to lay down on the table as the various treatments--none of them intrusive or painful--were administered as opposed to frolicking with the other creatures.
The moment we got into the car to return home, he would go quiet, as if a switch had been turned off. It was hilarious! The memory makes me laugh out loud.
They were both like that. I can't stay sad for more than a couple of minutes when I think of them. Which is why it's rare for me to feel this ache. This might sound masochistic, but I want to bask in the feeling while it lasts. It makes me feel alive in a way. Otherwise, I'm quite stoic, maybe even heartless in some ways.
I miss Phoebe's gentle, persistent whining, asking me to get off the couch and pay attention to her or to play with her. Not because she wanted to be entertained, but because moving around was good for me. She was always teaching me lessons I refused to learn. So I made it a point to remember and to act after she passed away.
And then Mojo left after making sure that I was doing what I needed to do. He made sure I took the time to prepare myself for what I had to do next in my life.
So, as always, muchas gracias por mis perros, Universo! <3
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Emptiness and epiphanies
As I was walking into my building premises at 1:45 am, I found a dog lying on its side, in an odd position. The parking light wasn't bright enough for me to see the details, but I immediately sensed that it had suffered some form of brain trauma and died. Since noone would respond at the time of the night, I made a mental note to call the municipal corporation's dead animal pickup service, and walked by. As I entered the house and locked up, I was struck by how matter-of-factly I took it. Where were my emotions? How did I not feel anything at the sight of a sentient dead animal, especially a dog, when my own four-legged boy had passed away in a very similar manner just 4 months ago?
I went through the motions of changing, doing my routine journaling, brushing, etc, and slept well enough. Went cycling early in the morning, and when it was closer to the time at which the municipal corporation starts answering calls, I dialed the number. Surprisingly, a well-mannered person responded in an efficient manner--asking for my name, number, and location, and letting me know that they will arrive sometime in the day--they could't predict the exact time, but they would call me an hour before they could reach the spot. By then, it looked like noone from the neighborhood had realized that a dead dog was lying in the compound. I made a hand-written note about having called the pickup service, mentioned their contact number for follow-up, and stuck it on the ground next to the body, just in case someone was curious enough to inquire.
Even though I had no tasks to do before bathing and leaving for work, I felt inclined to lie down and rest for a while. I went out to the balcony intermittently, so I could see whether anyone else had taken note of the event. About an hour later, I finally saw a woman kneeling next to the dog, so I went out to talk to her. She--let's call her PD--was crying profusely, because, it turns out, she had been looking after the dog since she was a puppy. PD told me they called her Kaali--easy to remember because of her coloring. Kaali was a sweet, gentle dog. I took down PD's number and asked her whether I could help in a any way besides making sure that Kaali was picked up. PD wanted to bury her in an empty plot at the back of the colony, instead. So I offered to load Kaali up in the car, and deliver her to the spot.
PD went away to get the tools needed for the burial and another animal-friendly person from the colony came by to assist a few minutes later. In the few minutes that I stood alone outside the car, looking at Kaali lying on the seat, I welled up. Not with emotion--okay, maybe a little,--but mostly with a sense of purpose. It felt right. Like, this is what I am supposed to do. The instinct to stay back home and to not rush to work even though I had a bunch of tasks awaiting me, served this purpose. I was meant to do this little bit of service. I would have even stayed back and helped them with the burial if it was a holiday. But even that little bit that I could do, of making sure that Kaali was moved away with a modicum of dignity, gave my life a meaning.
If the pickup service had not come through by evening, I had planned to take the dog to the cremation facility myself. That was an obvious action that I would take, to see this to completion. But the little help I could offer to the lady and the dog made me feel like--I was, for that slice of time at least--a piece of the puzzle that fit perfectly where it should. Like, feeling a strong emotion may not really be my thing, but acting on something where it makes a difference, or being effective in some way is what I am here for. And that gave me closure.
What a morbid, weirdly satisfying way to start my 40th year on this planet.
I went through the motions of changing, doing my routine journaling, brushing, etc, and slept well enough. Went cycling early in the morning, and when it was closer to the time at which the municipal corporation starts answering calls, I dialed the number. Surprisingly, a well-mannered person responded in an efficient manner--asking for my name, number, and location, and letting me know that they will arrive sometime in the day--they could't predict the exact time, but they would call me an hour before they could reach the spot. By then, it looked like noone from the neighborhood had realized that a dead dog was lying in the compound. I made a hand-written note about having called the pickup service, mentioned their contact number for follow-up, and stuck it on the ground next to the body, just in case someone was curious enough to inquire.
Even though I had no tasks to do before bathing and leaving for work, I felt inclined to lie down and rest for a while. I went out to the balcony intermittently, so I could see whether anyone else had taken note of the event. About an hour later, I finally saw a woman kneeling next to the dog, so I went out to talk to her. She--let's call her PD--was crying profusely, because, it turns out, she had been looking after the dog since she was a puppy. PD told me they called her Kaali--easy to remember because of her coloring. Kaali was a sweet, gentle dog. I took down PD's number and asked her whether I could help in a any way besides making sure that Kaali was picked up. PD wanted to bury her in an empty plot at the back of the colony, instead. So I offered to load Kaali up in the car, and deliver her to the spot.
PD went away to get the tools needed for the burial and another animal-friendly person from the colony came by to assist a few minutes later. In the few minutes that I stood alone outside the car, looking at Kaali lying on the seat, I welled up. Not with emotion--okay, maybe a little,--but mostly with a sense of purpose. It felt right. Like, this is what I am supposed to do. The instinct to stay back home and to not rush to work even though I had a bunch of tasks awaiting me, served this purpose. I was meant to do this little bit of service. I would have even stayed back and helped them with the burial if it was a holiday. But even that little bit that I could do, of making sure that Kaali was moved away with a modicum of dignity, gave my life a meaning.
If the pickup service had not come through by evening, I had planned to take the dog to the cremation facility myself. That was an obvious action that I would take, to see this to completion. But the little help I could offer to the lady and the dog made me feel like--I was, for that slice of time at least--a piece of the puzzle that fit perfectly where it should. Like, feeling a strong emotion may not really be my thing, but acting on something where it makes a difference, or being effective in some way is what I am here for. And that gave me closure.
What a morbid, weirdly satisfying way to start my 40th year on this planet.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Three months ago
...this day, our remaining baby moved on.
This was an hour before he left...
This was an hour before he left...
We had force-fed him a little bit of the mush that we used to call food. I wanted with all my heart to let him be, not to torture him, and to let his body heal itself. I wasn't strong enough to act on my instincts. This will serve as a reminder--yet another one--to do what I know in my gut to be right for me and my loved ones.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
FW: Thanks for all your help!
After
almost 42 years I have decided to retire! [date], is my last day.
Now I
didn’t “personally” know Charles Babbage (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Babbage)
but I have had some interesting times:
- First computer language:
FORTRAN66 (on punch cards).
- Biggest advancement in computer
language: FORTRAN 77 (Block IF statements, DO loops). After that
they have all looked the same to me.
- Scariest moments:
Carrying a box of COBOL punch cards to the card reader (and yes, I dropped
them once).
- First real project: US
Department of Energy data collection from burning coal underground (the
data said it was still burning when the project was shut down… oops).
- Program most likely not to
succeed: A cookbook application to test a user interface SDK on
VAX/VMS computers. Required a raised floor computer lab and
$4,000,000 computer (but team did use it to exchange recipes).
- Most costly bug found: A
hardware addressing error that caused lots of boards to be trashed ($$$$$)
and delayed hardware production (our show stoppers are nothing compared to
that).
- Scariest meeting: Had to
tell Dave Cutler (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Cutler)
that we needed a CDROM in the hardware instead of tape drive to do the
installation of the new OS. People were hiding outside his office to
see if there was anything left of my body to return to my family (learned
to have undisputable facts and duck when things are thrown… and not take
it personally).
- Most interesting
customer: Executive Branch (The White House). I did get an
insider’s tour of the Oval office (at least a foot in) and places the
public never gets to see.
- Most disappointing project:
Cancellation of new hardware/OS combination at Digital Equipment.
- “Things that make you say
hmmm”: 3 years after cancellation of the above project while in a
Windows NT class I get training on ACL data structures that I helped
design at Digital Equipment. “Hmmm, I guess it wasn’t only ‘people’
that move from Digital to Microsoft.”
- Project with the most freedom:
Rewrite of PEM (PEM2).
- Most dangerous:
Development of office laser printers, we could only put 10 sheets of paper
in at a time because it would burn… and a full ream of paper would set off
the fire alarms if it caught fire.
- Most aggravating moment:
A prototype office laser printer that had lots of problems. It was
solved by using “transparencies” instead of paper. Service guy said
it looked like something melted in it… we said “yea… probably the gear
that was squeaking.”
- Project with the most diverse
interaction: Secure Comm. Customers, developers,
executives. Travelled 9 out of 18 weeks.
- Project most wanted to be
involved with but didn’t get to: Landing the first man on the moon
(not as old as you think!).
- Most satisfying moments:
When someone I’m mentoring proves me wrong… I know I’m done
mentoring.
- Most important piece of
advice: Keep your personal standards higher than what anyone else
will ask of you.
- Greatest achievement: I
have, with every project since 1979, developed friendships that I still
have today.
If you’re
in [location] areas let me know. First cup of coffee is on me!
Mark Ditto
[email and phone]
~
This is an email I received at work today. The title of this post is the subject line of that email. I added the prefix as a nod to the corporate email culture. (Way to kill a pun, isn't it, when you end up explaining it?!) I didn't suppress the name, because the credit for everything here (including this post) still goes to the wonderful person who wrote it.
I haven't ever had the opportunity to work with this person, and I usually scoff at widely distributed farewell emails, but this one, quite literally, made me tear up with joy. Specifically the italicized bits. And the subject line. Such humility is a mark of true greatness. This post is simply my way of paying respects to this gem of a person. May he continue to inspire others.
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