Glut: make a pig of one self

...says WordWeb, and I agree.

Aside from the fact I have made no silly resolutions this year, I also seem to have subconsciously devised a plan for doing the opposite of what I hoped to do last year. Now, I can blame it all on the fact that my in-laws are staying with us for a month, and 90% of our conversations (and apparently our lives) revolve around food. It's paradoxical, really:

• MIL keeps telling the hubs and me to lose weight.
• She herself is about 10 kilos overweight.
• I'd lose more weight laughing at her exercise routine than she does by performing it.
• We have two maids who do the cooking--one for lunch and one for dinner, so that I don't have to enter the kitchen while MIL is here, and she gets some relief from 35 years of cooking and feeding the family and the endless list of extended family members and friends.
  
• Despite the availability of maids, we still have more cooking related tasks to do.
• Conversation on food is playing on a continuous loop, almost like the background score of a movie, or like the universal ether; it begins just before bed-time--about what's for breakfast the next morning.
• If the plan isn't fixed, the question arises again; after some mumbling on my part and/or escaping to the bathroom, MIL prepares something which I may or may not eat (I'm always in a rush to leave home in the mornings).
• I have come to dread weekends and holidays because then I also have to talk about and help with lunch.
• Although dinner is almost ready everyday, there's still the important task of re-heating everything. Oh, and preparing a salad, and giving tadka to the daal.
• Then there are days when either of the maids does the vanishing act and poor MIL has to cook 80% or more of the meal--I go on a guilt trip and chip in a little.
  
• Every few days, we run out supplies, and then go grocery shopping.
• Food is brought home and stuffed into the fridge; when that real estate runs out, the remaining is piled onto veggie baskets and fruit trays.
• Non-perishable items are stuffed into containers; when that real estate runs out, the remaining is piled into one big can of extra-stock items.
• Hubs and FIL make a special trip to the veggie market every Sunday to hoard a week's worth of subzis.
• Also, most of the guests we ever have are during the time frame when the in-laws are around, so there's always more food/snacks to make/buy.
• A social transaction is incomplete if only one family visits another and the favor is not returned, so we travel to however far and long it takes to... guess what???--meet them for breakfast / lunch / snacks / dinner!!!!!

As if that assault on the senses is not enough, the mind constantly nags and plays a tug-of-war with itself:

• I shall not have a morsel of food for the next three days.
• Warm water is all I should ingest--helps detox, ya'know?
• I can lie to whichever other lady is in charge of nutrition at home (mother or MIL, in case they're visiting) by saying that I'm having all the meals at the office (too much work, you see?)
  
• Well, maybe fruits will do no harm.
• While you're having fruits, what's the harm in having milk--you need all the calcium you get, after all.
• Also, don't forget the assorted raw veggies you can eat--carrots, beetroot, etc; if they're too much to shove down the throat, douse them with salt and chilli powder and lime and crushed groundnuts and...
• Who the hell has time to arrange all that healthy stuff? I've gotta rush to that meeting now, let me grab a bag of chips and I'll deal with the diet plan later.
• Aaargh! All this talk about food. I don't ever want to eat anything till I lose 5 kilos. (Munching on roasted peanuts in the background.)
  
• (In the morning...) I'm not gonna go to the cafeteria with my colleagues. I end up eating that which shouldn't be eaten. I will rush home as soon as it is time to leave. I will stick to my desk and drink warm water till then.
• (Few hours later... while a colleague is ordering snacks) Nope, I don't want to eat anything, I'll just take a bite off your sandwich to taste.
• (Few minutes later...) I realize I'm downing a big cup of coffee / tea and eating chaat. How the hell did that happen?!
  
• (As I'm drifting to sleep...) Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life... I will not eat a morsel of food until I am REALLY hungry. Warm water is my favorite food.

Now, the story that made me write this rant-filled post:
As ALWAYS, I woke up and was in a hurry to leave home, to go do my investments in time for the upcoming "taxable income declaration schedule" (I call it the universal law of karm-oney: what comes to you shall be partly snatched away before it reaches you, and you cough up the rest yourself). Coming back to the point. I did not finish those tasks in time for my weekend class. I admit, rather regretfully, that it wasn't possible for me to cross 15 kms of city traffic in 7 minutes. So I came to the office instead. All the while contemplating whether I was hungry enough to eat. I parked the car and just as I was about the take the stairs and go straight to my desk, my own personal devil who's hell bent upon inflating me to the point of bursting mind ordered my feet to turn around and go to the cozy little neighborhood café instead. I ordered a Garlic-Mushroom Tostato, a Yule Log, and a Frappe Royale. A Rs.330/- meal (after a 15% corporate discount) for one person.

Mother earth is now officially invited to open up and swallow me right now, while I'm all meaty n' chocolaty. If that doesn't happen, someone please shoot me in the head. Only make sure my dogs are properly taken care of for as long as they live. As for my husband, well, let's just let his mother feed him to death :P