A very tangible one, in my heart. The one one feels when they miss someone. I miss my dogs right now. Often, these days, it feels unreal that I was a mother to four-legged creatures just a few months ago. I thought I'd feel a void when they're gone. But when Phoebe passed away, the time was taken up by providing extra care for Mojo. And when Mojo left, I took on several projects, determined not to dwell on the feeling of loss.
I happened to look at a picture of Mojo propped up against one wall of the balcony. Propped up because he didn't have the physical strength or the neurological ability to stand by himself. I was preparing to help him pee. Something we did about 5-6 times a day. The picture reminded me of the physical feeling of touching a dog. Then, specifically, his bony butt. And I miss it all.
I looked at more pictures. Some of them from the clinic where we used to take him for his weekly treatments. He used to whine loudly all the way there and during the 2-3 hours we spent there each time. I even miss those annoying sounds. No, he didn't hate the clinic or the caregivers. It was pretty much his only outing and he did enjoy getting fussed over and pampered there. It was just him vocalizing his excitement at being out and his annoyance at having to lay down on the table as the various treatments--none of them intrusive or painful--were administered as opposed to frolicking with the other creatures.
The moment we got into the car to return home, he would go quiet, as if a switch had been turned off. It was hilarious! The memory makes me laugh out loud.
They were both like that. I can't stay sad for more than a couple of minutes when I think of them. Which is why it's rare for me to feel this ache. This might sound masochistic, but I want to bask in the feeling while it lasts. It makes me feel alive in a way. Otherwise, I'm quite stoic, maybe even heartless in some ways.
I miss Phoebe's gentle, persistent whining, asking me to get off the couch and pay attention to her or to play with her. Not because she wanted to be entertained, but because moving around was good for me. She was always teaching me lessons I refused to learn. So I made it a point to remember and to act after she passed away.
And then Mojo left after making sure that I was doing what I needed to do. He made sure I took the time to prepare myself for what I had to do next in my life.
So, as always, muchas gracias por mis perros, Universo! <3