For 'em pearlies

Warning: Explicit oral content. Read at your own risk.

A few weeks ago, I decided to try this mouthwash thing. I have very bad brushing habits, and thought of this as an easier way to keep 'em pearlies intact for a few more decades. I completely forgot about them while all our stuff was collected in a room and wrapped in sheets until the house painting job was over. Found them while arranging stuff back into the cupboards, and tried one of the three flavors (which was actually non-flavored, the others being CoolMint and FreshBurst).

A few days later, after habitually taunting the husband about his bad brushing habits, I suggested that he try the mouthwash I bought. Here's how it went...

Me: Didn't you just say you were going to brush your teeth?
Him: Done!
Me: Already?! But you were barely gone 30 seconds!
Him: How long does it take anyway?!
Me: Hmpf, no wonder you have all that plaque lining your teeth on the inner sides of your gums.
Him: Dude, that's the color of my teeth.
Me: What, brown?
Him: Huh?!
Me: You brush your teeth like you'd brush a baby's bottom. With soft bristles to boot! I think you should try out Listerine. I got it a few weeks back.
Him: What's that?
Me: 30 seconds of Hell in your mouth.
Him: :-| (a la Sheldon Cooper)

I decided not to elaborate. The ensuing scene that played out in my mind...
Me: You've got to rinse your mouth with it for 30 seconds. You can't swallow it. It stings. You can't drink water for a while after it's stung you.
Him: :-| (meaning "Now why would I ever do that my mouth?")
Me: At the rate we're going, largely thanks to our brushing routine or the lack thereof, we're gonna run out of teeth by the time we hit the 4-Ohs.
Him: I could live with that.
Me: Dude, missing teeth and hair! How are we ever going to rock our 40s?
Him (to himself): Drama queen!
Me: But dude, does it sting!
Him: :-| (translates to "And you're even bothering to recommend it to me. Are you out of your mind?!")
Me (to self): Why did I even bother?