Rambling again

08/08/08

I've got exactly one month left before I begin my second trip to California. It'll be over even before I know it, but this time I plan to do all that I didn't do during my last trip. At least, I keep saying that to myself. And yes, this includes losing weight to become more fit and also to fit into my old jeans. It's not related to traveling to a foreign country at all. Any event on the horizon is a target for improving my fitness. The first was my first California visit in Feb 2006, the next was my wedding in Dec 2006, the next was Diwali of 2007 when we were supposed to visit the hubs' hometown, after that it was the beginning of 2008, now it is the second visit to California. And I've NEVER met any of these deadlines. Gah!

But that's not what why I'm here tonight. I'm here simply because I want to make a fresh start. I want to reboot my current mental OS session and have a fresh RAM to work with. I never thought that I'd carry so much baggage ever again once I took back my life in control, after my first long and strong relationship broke down. For a couple of years after that I was slowly moving towards an improved, confident, and stronger me. Then along came my next boyfriend and now husband, and everything went downhill from there.

The wonderful control I had started getting over my mind, slowly slipped away from my hands. The tables were turned. Often, I experienced sparks of realization that something was going wrong, but I thought I could put it right any time I wanted to. How foolish of me!

Anyway, without dwelling too much on the past, I'm just making a mental note of where exactly I went wrong. I need to avoid making the same mistakes. What's worse is that I can clearly see the events when I'm about to go wrong, but I don't do much to not step into the turd again.

This moment, here, I want to conspire with myself to keep my eyes open, and my conscience aware, so that when I go down that wrong path again, it pinches me hard and drags me back to do what's right. So, dear self, after a lot many days of being a believer, a non-believer, and sometimes a fence-sitter, I bow down and pray: "Please help me each moment hereon to remain alert of my surroundings and perform my actions consciously. Help me to keep my sense of purpose intact, and not let me lose it in some forgotten corner of the mind. Otherwise, there's no reason I'd feel like waking up to face each day. I want to be a bird who flies with the wind, not a stray leaf that blows around aimlessly."

PS: Yes, hubs, I wrote this while you were snoring away to glory that night. I planned to wake up at 5:00 the next day and set a schedule for work and looking after our home. But, I ended up snoozing the alarm endlessly to finally get out of bed at 9:30, and fall right back into my lethargy-driven excuse of a life.